The Heart of the Matter

 "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." - Marilyn Monroe

Sometimes I find myself in a situation that sets me back. I get myself too involved in something (or someone) that's counterproductive to my goals and I use that as an excuse to fall off the wagon. Or sometimes, it's not even an excuse, but a matter of happiness or misery if I don't voluntarily jump off the wagon.

So here I am, having jumped off the wagon and trying to put back together the pieces of my broken spirit. It's hard. I don't really use food as a comfort but I do use the blues as an excuse to not have any motivation.

The gym used to be my daily "church." I loved going. I hated going out to dinner, even for my own birthday, because I felt an emptiness when I wasn't able to work out HARD. It wasn't an obsession. I didn't feel like I had to go. I just wanted to SO BAD. It made me feel amazing, no matter how terrible a day I was having. But when I started to become miserable with my life, whether it was my job or my relationship or whatever, that's when working out became a chore.

For now, I am forcing myself to eat right and go to the gym. I drag my feet out the door at the last minute and I find myself half-assing my workout anyway. This is causing the scale not to move. But I'm determined to get passed this. I guess that should have been my first reachable goal.

• To WANT to be healthy - This includes going to the gym, eating right, being motivated, making good choices, etc. etc.

This entry has taken me over a week to write, but I've had a few eye openers lately that have hopefully pushed me closer to where I want to be. First, I went to Disneyland with my family and you know those pictures they take of you making awkward faces in weird places on rides? Well...I look like a WHALE. Even in normal pictures my sister in law took of my trying on Minnie ears I look HUGE!

This is unacceptable.

Dear God!!!

So there's that.

I went out for a girls night in a short dress on Friday and I felt good...until I found a fill length mirror and noticed that my already short, stumpy legs looked like plump corndogs or something. I'm sure I'm harder on myself and I don't look as terrible to other people as I do to myself, but these are things I need to fix. No matter how vain. It's for my health too. I want that confidence. Damnit.

Thank goodness for angles.

Until next time...